Helping Children of Divorce -
(Taken from Teens Are Non Divorceable by Sara Bonkowski)
General Guidelines
You as a parent can help your child learn about divorce in general,
understand specifically what happened in your marriage and finally help
your child mourn, cope with and accept the loss of the pre-divorce family.
Here are a few basic rules.
1. Tell each child that what he or she can understand his or her age
and maturity.
Most four-year-olds can barely understand the concept of divorce; if
they even know the word they simply think it means “Daddy and
Mommy don’t live together.” At six or seven, they realize
that lawyers and courts are involved and that divorce has meant a lot
of changes for the family. By age eleven or twelve, children are very
interested in how custody is decided. Older high school age children
have developed a sense of fairness, and they may want to be sure visitations
and custody are equitable.
2. Always tell your child the truth.
Fabrications will be discovered sooner or later, and they will only
confuse your child about the real reasons for the divorce. Dishonesty
about the divorce will also cause your adolescent to doubt your other
statements.
3. Do not wait for your child to ask questions; take some initiative.
Teenagers often do not bring up divorce-related issues or questions.
This does not mean they have no questions or don’t want more information.
It may mean they are taking their cues from you. If you are open, not
blaming, and calm in your discussions about the divorce, then pertinent
facts, feelings, and information will be shared naturally.
4. Do not use your teenager as an emotional confidant.
Sharing the facts and feelings a child needs to know to be able to accept the divorce is not the same thing as discussing everything related to the divorce about which you may have a need to talk. When people divorce, they usually need to go over and over the numerous small events that led up to the divorce and share with someone all of the details of the divorce process. Don’t make your children bear this burden. They have enough to deal with already. Once you talk to your child about divorce, there may be a wide range of emotions that he or she may experience.
Loss and grief Depression Guilt
Anger Self-hatred Low self-esteem
Fear Anxiety Regret
Isolation Loneliness
It is important for divorcing or divorced parents to understand the
sense of loss that your child may be feeling.
Losses That Accompany Divorce
• Loss of a Dream
• Loss of Self-Esteem
• Loss of Caring Relationships
• Loss of a Problem or Emotional Pain
• Loss of Home, Neighborhood or School
• Loss of Financial Security and Position
10 Suggestions for Parents
1. Take care of yourself - physically, emotionally and spiritually.
2. Let go of intense anger toward your former spouse (your child’s
other parent) for the hurt that he or she caused.
3. Try to build a co-parenting relationship with your former spouse.
4. Provide and encourage alternative sources of support for your teen.
5. Encourage, but not force, your teenager to express feelings.
6. Expect your teenager to have some feelings that are different from
yours.
7. Take time and energy to parent.
8. Be available to your teenager, but don’t expect him or her
to spend a lot of time with you.
9. Do things with people other than your teenager.
10. If either you or your teenager is having difficulties, consider
seeking professional help. |
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Adler, Allan J. and Archambault, Christine. Divorce
Recovery. The Pia Press (Linden Oaks Hospital).
Bonkowski, Sarah. Teens are Nondivorceable.
Chicago, Illinois: ACTA Publications, 1990.
Wallerstein, Judith S. and Blakeslee, Sandra. Second
Chances. New York: Ticknor & Fields, 1990.
Wallerstein, Judith S. Helping the Family in Separation
and Divorce. New York: Basic Books, 1987.
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